I killed my beloved friend today. I guess we are fortunate in this instance that animals are legally considered nothing more than property so I could humanely end his life before cancer slowly and painfully stole it from him. Thank you Tobias for almost 12 years of unconditional love and faithful companionship.
When I emailed friends, family and colleagues to tell them Toby had been diagnosed with cancer and would soon be leaving us, many asked
to come by and say their goodbyes. And so many did. I am not the only one who is mourning his passing.
My administrative assistant at work is NOT a pet person. She is an extremely well dressed, well groomed, well coiffed, well put together and classy lady and she does NOT understand why people like to live with creatures that shed, and have bad breath and slobber and stink, etc. I frequently brought Toby to my office but I always kept him away from Helen, respecting her right to not have to have her workspace invaded by my dog. But after a while I noticed that when he came in she would talk to him. And then I would see her walk by him and dip down as she passed to pat his head or scratch his back. I teased her saying that I kept catching her secretly liking me dog and she responded, "You know, I DO secretly like him!" Soon it was no longer a secret. She joined the number of people at the office who kept treats in a drawer for him and would let him eat a treat straight out of her palm. She learned that he loved to have his butt (lower back just above the tail) scratched and would scratch him there. She would hold his face in her hands and talk to him. Saliva and pet hair on herself or her clothing seemed not to be of concern when Tobias was around. I had been absent from work for several weeks following some surgery during the time I found out that Toby had cancer, and when I returned to work Helen asked me about how I was doing. After we engaged in the normal social pleasantries she turned to walk away, but then turned back around and asked with tears in her eyes, "How's our boy doing." Many people at work had asked after him and I managed to control my emotions and respond to their queries without tears. But when Helen asked about "our boy," I lost the battle. Such was the loving, funny, playful nature of my Toby that he had won her heart when no other animal ever had.
I considered spending the extra $120 to have a private cremation so I could get his ashes back and honor him by spreading them someplace beautiful that we loved going to together. So many places came to mind. But Toby was a rescue dog. And he loved other animals (except puppies, he always hated puppies). This was a dog that would patiently wait while the cats ate from his bowl poaching his food before beginning his meal. This was a dog that let kittens jump on his tail when he walked past them and then let them hang on for a short ride. An animal rescue agency rescued Toby and gave us a chance to have almost twelve years together. I decided a better way to honor him was to donate the money to an animal rescue organization, to give others the chance to have the type of loving companionship we shared.
I know what many people think. I know what many of them are probably saying as they witness my grief. I am single and childless by choice but I can hear people saying that for single childless people our pets are substitutes for the "real family" they feel we lack. Tobias was funny and fun and clever and playful and intelligent and mischievous and joyful and most of all loving. If I had a husband and ten children he would still have been worth my love and my tears.
Family, friends, colleagues, my vet. Everyone who cares about Toby or me or us both told me letting him go was the right thing to do And intellectually I know it was. But my heart feels differently I killed my beloved friend today.
